IS ARGUING BAD FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP? HELEN DERBYSHIRE - 5 MINUTE READ The term arguing tends to have a negative connotation, but what if I told you that it could be transformative for your relationship if done correctly? When we think about arguing we think of raised voices, hurtful words exchanged, apologies (not always), and usually one if not both people left feeling upset, low and hurt. Regardless of the way you argue it is still a method of communication. One of you, or both of you have something on your mind that you have to express, however the way in which you express it may be counterproductive for the desired outcome. A very important point to make here is that sometimes you will be upset, pissed off and hurt and therefore emotions will be high and if you do not have the communication skills to express those emotions and thoughts, it may come out as those raised voices and frustration. However on the flip side, you or somebody you know may be the type of person who refuses to argue and disagree which can also be extremely difficult for you / the other person if you or they need a place to express themselves. Suppression of feelings, thoughts and emotions may lead to resentment within your relationship so it’s so important that you always hold space for such conversations regardless of how difficult they are to have (and vice versa, you should always be given a space to express yourself within your relationship). Arguing should never be seen as taboo, bad or wrong. However, hurtful words exchanged and the game of who can win, should be avoided. So let’s get into that… In all instances they will be vice versa, you may be the one who does these things so be mindful what to look out for in both yourself, your partner and your relationship as a whole. Your partner has done or said something that upset you, perhaps you bottled it up, or you let it blow straight away (which usually is because of an accumulation of things that rub you the wrong way / hurt or upset you built up overtime causing the explosion of emotions). This build up causes deeper emotions to fester, perhaps you felt a little annoyed initially, and now you feel resentful, you start to look at all of the other things they do and do not do within your relationship, and now you’ve really frustrated so you say “I’m sick of you always doing X, why do you never do ___” and it comes out as a verbal attack. What happens then is your partner feels extremely attacked, which gets their back up and you go back and forth in this game of hurtful word ping pong, they react to your attack, you say something more hurtful, they tell you they can’t do this anymore, you think how dare you say that when THEY are the one who caused the problem initially, so you one-up them desperate to get your point across, and this back and forth continues until one of you is so hurt you break down, walk away or just continue until you’re quite frankly emotionally exhausted. Regardless of how long it takes for you to make up again, perhaps you don’t even apologise and you go back to normal life or perhaps you agree to disagree or one of you forces the other to admit they’re wrong and the other surrenders. Regardless of the outcome, you’re left feeling unsatisfied and the intimacy within your relationship (not sexual intimacy) just connection has been impacted. You then are fearful in the future to have further disagreements in case they end the way the last interaction did so you start to suppress even more and the cycle continues. This is because there is a potential trust issue between you both, trust that the other will not threaten to end the relationship for example, which is why you may avoid conflict. It is important that you both work together to create a SAFE space where you can both freely express yourselves regardless of how difficult that may be for you or the other person to hear those thoughts and feelings. What makes arguing (communication) helpful, productive and beneficial is realising you are both on the same team, even if the other did something that really pissed you off, you want to work together to express how that made you feel and for your partner to listen and support and make you feel good again (and vice versa). Here are my top 10 tips for arguing (communicating) effectively within a relationship… 1. Working as a TEAM - this is not a competition of who is right or wrong, sometimes you’re both right and sometimes you’re both wrong, it shouldn’t matter if you’re both wanting to work towards the goal of a peaceful relationship 2. Be solution focused 3. You must have self awareness - awareness of how you communicate 4. Talk in a way that resonates with your partner - yours and your partner's needs may be totally different, this needs to be considered when we want to get a point across. 5. Use I statements instead of YOU. “ I feel sad / frustrated / hurt when you do / do not do X” is much better than “You hurt me when you did X”. Although it feels very similar, you and your partner are always likely to receive this better 6. Use empathy and compassion when communicating, try and zoom out from your point of view and try and see it from a different perspective, you may be able to see that yes your partner hasn’t been helping you around the house for example, but they have been really stressed with work. Now that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be supporting you, but it does allow you to lead with compassion. For example “I know you have been really busy / stressed with work lately, I am feeling overwhelmed by everything that needs doing around the house”. 7. Never invalidate your partner's feelings or allow them to do the same to yours. Even if you think what they feel or say is ‘irrational, silly, or them being ‘insecure’, you / they do not get to decide how you are feeling. Try replying to your partner's thoughts and feelings with “I can appreciate that is difficult for you” for example rather than “OMG that is ridiculous”. 8. Work on creating a SAFE space. A safe space is where things can be said and expressed without the other one interrupting the other, or reacting to what the other person has said. 9. Even if your partner really hurts your feelings by expressing themselves, it doesn’t authorise for you to attempt to hurt them back (and vice versa) and if you ever experience this, respond “I know what I said may have been difficult for you to hear, however your hurtful words are not beneficial to this argument and I will be taking myself out of this situation if you continue to use such words against me” (or words to that effect). 10. If you find it difficult to maintain your cool within a disagreement, or if your partner struggles whilst you work on your communication skills. Perhaps you both have a ‘take a break’ strategy. Perhaps this is a word you can use, a phrase you can use or a simple explanation of “when we spoke about disagreements in the past, we agreed when it became heated we would walk away and revisit later, for me this is becoming heated so I’m going to take myself out of the situation, this doesn’t mean I am ignoring what you have to say but right now, it’s becoming really difficult for me”. Likewise if your partner says this back to you, just know they are not abandoning you, they are just taking a breather for the outcome of a calmer discussion at a later time. This is actually a BONUS and a huge sign of good communication skills. To summarise Step 1: Develop your self awareness of how you are truly feeling Step 2: Think about the situation and think about how a solution could be found prior to communicating with your partner (you could always spend time journaling about this first) Step 3: Use I statements when expressing your needs/wants/frustrations Step 4: Lead with compassion Step 5: Propose a solution or find one together Step 6: Always remember that hurtful words are not beneficial to the outcome - Remember, you are on the same team! Step 7: Not every attempt at communication will result in finding a solution, you may need to revisit it, one of you may become upset and that’s ok and totally normal!

TOP TIPS FOR TRAVELLING SOLO HELEN DERBYSHIRE - 4 MINUTE READ Is traveling on your own something you’ve been considering? Perhaps you are just curious about doing it, or maybe you’ve never thought about it and the thought of your own company fills you with dread (if that’s the case I encourage you to read the ‘falling in love with your own company’ blog [Click here to read that blog!]. Traveling on your own can be incredible for your mind and soul, it can bring clarity to your life, give you the space and freedom to express yourself, it can be incredible for your independence as you do something for you! It can also be amazing for your confidence as you meet new people during your travels. I’m a huge fan of doing things on my own, it really allows me to be in my own thoughts, it allows me to really tap into my subconscious mind. If you are someone who struggles to understand the appeal behind travelling on your own it might be your perception of it, perhaps you think it’s only for single people, or confident people, or hippies (who knows what your perceptions are!?) but I want you to know that couldn’t be further from the truth. Take me for example, I am in a happy loving secure relationship and I’m a mother and travelling on my own was something I was so excited about! I wanted to really be in my own thoughts in a place that isn’t where I live, just space to be creative, to rest, and sometimes just to be away from responsibilities that our day to day lives include. So whether you are fully on board with the concept of travelling somewhere on your own or not quite yet, here’s somethings you should know and that I highly recommend that you do when venturing out on your own whether to a new country or within the UK. (Some of my suggestions may not apply to non-international travel). Think about what you are looking to achieve from travelling alone, are you looking for solitude, new adventures, to meet new people, to rest, to explore etc. Knowing this helps you choose your destination and how you structure your trip. If you’re looking for solitude, you’re not going to want to stay in an overcrowded hotel, and if you’re wanting time away from being a parent a kid-free hotel might be just the thing you need, so think about that in more depth. You may have to pay more to get exactly what you need but it will be so worth it. Be safe! Safety when you’re alone is incredibly important, this can look like organising the airport transfer directly though your hotel (again, you may pay a slight premium) but it’s worth it vs getting into a random cab or jumping on public transportation. Send all of your details to a loved one, the time you land/fly, your routine if you have a schedule of leaving the hotel etc, just in case your phone dies or anything your loved ones know how to contact you and can roughly expect when they will be in communication with you Sign out of social media and your emails! You don’t need to update everybody back home what you’re doing the instant you’re doing it. Remember this trip is for YOU! Nobody else. If you are in a relationship, communicate with your partner about your trip and what you’re looking to achieve, it could be upsetting if you didn’t correctly communicate your need for a solo trip so being open and honest with your partner about your trip and your intentions, having time alone / apart is really healthy and nourishing for relationships. During your flight / train journey / drive, set an intention for your trip, visualise yourself each day, what are you hoping to achieve, how are you wanting to feel etc (I loved meditating from the Superhuman app using their travel meditations during my flight), it allowed me to get super clear on how I wanted my trip to go. BE PRESENT! No need to ring or text back home all of the time, remember you came for solitude. I know it’s hard being away from your partner/friends/family/children but this is the very thing you need and you might not get another chance for a long time so be present. Don’t be stressing about life back home. Immerse yourself. Speaking of immersing yourself, really hand yourself over to your trip. If you’re goal is becoming more confident then be open to speaking with others, push yourself out of your comfort zone. Try new things, new foods, say yes to activities or explorations. If your goal is to focus on your self development, bring an empty journal/diary with just lined pages and had a rough idea of what you’d like to focus on during your journal practice, or simply you can write ‘a summary of my thoughts’ and log it each day or even a simple positivity / gratitude journal. Write things from your days, your thoughts, interactions you had, something that made you smile etc etc You might want to bring some books that support your journey, maybe you’re wanting to tap more into your spiritual beliefs, make sure you pack a book around spirituality (or whatever the topic is). I would suggest avoiding any books that are too heavily focused on performance, such as business etc as you want your mind to wander and be curious rather than be in an analytical state. Play your favourite music when you wake up and dance, get into your body, feel, because I promise you most likely won’t do that at home as you’ll be rushing / have a timeframe but doing this will help you to start your day in such a good mood! Meditate and journal each morning with a cup of tea or coffee, perhaps you don’t have much time at home to do those things so really maximise on your time. If you at any point feel bored, tell yourself “I’m not bored, I just feel uncomfortable in my own company right now and that’s ok so let me bring awareness to that” and ask yourself “what can I do right now that would make my company more enjoyable” perhaps that’s picking up a fiction book and losing yourself in it sat around the pool, perhaps that’s going for a swim, perhaps that’s dancing to some music, exploring the local town, the key is awareness. The more you do this, the easier it will be to understand how you enjoy to spend time with yourself. Those are my top tips for now, the main point in all of this is remembering it isn’t selfish to take time out for you, whether that’s on a daily basis or a solo trip. Always ensure that you are safe and most importantly, HAVE FUN! WANT TO WORK WITH ME? BOOK YOUR FREE CONSULTATION TODAY!

DATE NIGHT IDEAS FOR PARENTS HELEN DERBYSHIRE - 4 MINUTE READ New parents, second, third or fourth time parents? The chances are, the alone time you have with your partner has most probably reduced since having children. Perhaps you used to schedule time for date nights but now with the children that ritual may have taken a back seat. We often think that date nights mean we have to go somewhere and do something but that’s not the case. For us, we do not have any family in close proximity and our nanny only works for us in the day time so date nights in our home are our go-to! At the beginning of this year we took our an A4 piece of plain paper and wrote down a variety of different ideas that we know we both enjoy to do, and then once per week on a Thursday we take it in turns to choose one out of the envelope. We also have a separate envelope of pieces of paper that have written on them, nice meaningful actions that you can do for one another over the weekend. You’d both have to sit and write down a series of things that mean a lot to you and that you’d like your partner to do for you. This can be anything from giving you a foot rub, to giving you a couple of hours to yourself whilst they take care of the kids. Before we get into the ideas, when it’s date nights here are some rules you need to follow: No phones! Please respect each others time and needs and leave your phone in a different room or away from your reach, put it on silent to avoid distractions Date night ideas: Cook a recipe together, you could even open a bottle of wine, and play some jazz music (here’s our go-to playlist) Google “fun questions for date night” and take it in turns answering them (you can also find a few spicy ones to get you both in the mood for later) Take it in turns to pick the movie Look for and start a new series Play a board game (this can be really fun and enjoyable to do, we love “The Game of Life”). Take a bath together, light some candles, play some music (Frank Sinatra is our go-to bath playlist) Open a bottle of wine and play a nostalgic playlist, for us that’s 90s hits! This just opens up the conversation path around our childhoods, when we first heard the song playing, what it reminds us of etc. If you’re both into reading, you could choose a book that you read together that you can then discuss (like your own mini book club) Whatever it is you choose to do, try to plan it in advance (this is why the envelope hack works well) so then you have time to plan it especially if you’re cooking something new or one of the other ideas which requires preparation. It’s so easy for us to get into a habit of putting anything random on the tv and sitting on our phones and not truly connecting with one another, especially if we are burnt out from work and parenting. But making it a ritual between one another will give you something to look forward to and I guarantee your relationship with thank you for it! WANT TO WORK WITH ME? BOOK YOUR FREE CONSULTATION TODAY!

SOLO WELLNESS RETREAT HELEN DERBYSHIRE - 4 MINUTE READ If you haven’t already seen my Instagram, I just came back from a 5-day solo wellness retreat in the Italian dolomites which was simply divine. And here’s the 411 on everything you need to know about this trip! I landed in Verona airport direct from Gatwick, which took 1 hour and 40 minutes, then I had to take a 2 hour transfer which I organised via the hotel to ensure my safety but also for convenience. I was collected in an air conditioned Mercedes E class with snacks and water provided as well as charging leads for my phone (you definitely don’t get that in local taxis)! The drive was wonderful and the two hours passed quickly. Upon my arrival I was greeted with a welcome drink (non-alcoholic) which was delicious and I enjoyed relaxing admiring the views from one of the balconies. When I was ready one of the hotel staff showed me around the property. THE HOTEL HAD A TOTAL OF: Three pools (one being an inside to outside which is amazing for swimming out to) Two restaurants + a seating area outside where they also serve food 2 or 3 steam rooms which varied in humidity Multiple relaxation rooms Cold plunge pool 3 saunas (including women only, as well as two others which varied in heat. One including a panoramic view). A fully equipped techno-gym plus exercise studios Library And so much more One thing you should know about the saunas in this resort (and most European resorts) is that you are required to be naked and sitting on your towel. You have the option to wear disposable underwear if you are not comfortable. I stayed in a ‘Prestige junior suite’ which was incredible, I stepped out from my balcony to incredible views. I was on the ground floor which I usually dislike but in this property I loved as I had the entire garden area to myself and is where I spent a lot of my time meditating and journaling. Although this hotel is centred around wellness, it is not structured like some retreats whereby each guest is there on a fixed programme. This hotel was bespoke to each individual, for those wanting to stay active all week, to those who wanted to indulge in the spa and sunbathe, those who wanted to eat exceptionally healthy, and those who wanted to enjoy the large selection of wines from the cellar. I loved this flexibility as I didn’t feel compelled to mix with a group of people and enjoyed speaking sporadically to different guests as and when I bumped into them, which wasn’t all that often given the size of the hotel and the low occupancy (approx 50%) which was lovely. This hotel has kids clubs and activities however, I didn’t see any children except one baby. But in all honesty, I wouldn’t take my child/children here as I feel it’s a place for complete solitude and there are many other locations where you could take your family on an active / nature trip that is closer to home and probably more cost friendly. The Spa I booked a ‘scents of the forest’ package which included the following treatments; 1 Lefay SPA “Linfa del Bosco” massage (50 min.) 1 Body scrub with chestnut flower, alpine salt and traditional alpine butter (30 min.) 1 Hydro-aromatherapy with scents of the forest (20 min.) 1 Anti-age facial treatment with alpine flowers (45 min.) Facials aren’t really my thing however I did enjoy this one, that being said, if I revisited the hotel I would perhaps choose a more bespoke option or build my own treatments and definitely recommend the Linfa Del Bosco massage and the Body Scrub, those two treatments left me feeling so relaxed and my skin felt incredibly. I also added on a deep tissue massage which was extremely intense but required after travelling and before I headed home. I also visited the ‘salt grotto’ and ‘salt lake’ which are exactly what they say, a room filled with salt in the air which is fantastic for your airways and a lake that allowed you to float due to the amount of salt minerals in the water. This was incredibly relaxing and I do believe is an extra charge but may also come included on a package, I didn’t find the salt grotto to be worth the €50 supplement (it was factored into my package but I am aware they charge for this). The activities: The hotel puts together a group exercise programme which they rotate, and within this includes daily 1 hour hikes, mixing between vertical and flat, as well as circuit classes, pilates, qi gong and yoga which lasted for 30 minutes which was a perfect amount of time to get in some daily exercise without having to structure your own workout. That being said, the hotel gym was phenomenal and fully equipped with techno-gym equipment. What else I got up to and why I took this trip: Each morning I woke up and journaled for approx 30+ minutes followed by a 30-45 minute meditation session. My meditation sessions were centred around what I wanted to focus on this trip, which was healing. The reason I took this trip was because around 4 years ago, I had the urge to travel alone and never got around to it, I was then pregnant and covid prevented me from travelling, once I had my daughter, I never found the right time to do this. I started to tell myself ‘I will go on a solo retreat when I’m 40’, and one day I was listening to an audiobook called ‘Regrets of the dying’ (morbid I know), and I just thought to myself, why 40? Why in 10 years? Why not now? And so I booked it. I wanted to really lean into my independence which is a core value of mine and be with my own thoughts and in my own space. I think people assume by taking trips on your own means something is wrong or you need to escape, and that isn’t the case at all. I wanted time to be me, Helen, away from my role as mom, partner, business owner, life coach, taking care of my home, cooking etc etc, just daily life where I can give myself my own time and energy to pour back into myself. I’ve been self developing for four years now and the more self developed we become, the more tools we learn to help us deal with anything from the past, or challenges/difficulties we may face in the future. I did a lot of shadow work journaling and healing meditations which were incredible. I had a few things that I was holding onto from the past, decisions and mistakes I had made that I just couldn’t seem to forgive myself for, I would go around and around in my head trying to figure out ‘why did I do that’ and it was so limiting so I used this trip to really delve into the subconscious mind relating to that time of my life and I feel like I have come back so much lighter, with more capacity for the things I want to hold onto! Let’s round up this blog with the question on everybody's lips… The cost: The total cost of this trip was roughly £2,500 for 4 nights / 5 days and it was worth every penny. Now prices may vary depending on when you go, with it being a ski-resort I imagine the prices will sky-rocket throughout the winter. But with this being quite an outdoorsy trip, you don’t want to go too early in the year and risk it being in-between seasons and rainy. The end of June was perfect! Here's the cost breakdown £1640 (Bed + Breakfast, plus a spa package and private transfers from and to the airport) £500 (Additional costs for lunch / dinner and a few additional treatments) £400 flights (I included a large check-in bag which bumped up the price by almost £100, plus I chose better flight times rather than waking up insanely early and also factoring in the 2 hour transfer the other side) Now this might seem like a lot for four nights in a hotel, however this was the cost for me on my own, if you was with a partner/friend of course the cost for Bed + Breakfast + Packages would be the same but covering two people. Location: Lefay Spa & Resort Dolomiti (Pinzolo) (they also have another located in Lake Garda and next year they are opening a property in the Italian countryside of Tuscany which I will most definitely be paying a visit to!) Rating All in all I would give this property a 9 out of 10. I thought the service was incredible and the spa and facilities were phenomenal. I would certainly recommend and I would most definitely revisit which we almost re-booked for in three weeks time for my partner's birthday. We have decided to take a different approach to our next retreat and visit somewhere close by the ocean. I would recommend this trip as a solo retreat but this would also be wonderful as a honeymoon destination for the active couple who also loves spas! I wouldn’t however recommend this hotel if you are not into staying active and enjoy nature as I do not believe the 2hr transfer would be worth it when there are a multitude of other properties which could provide you with what you need. Stay tuned for more travel blogs! This was in no way endorsed by the hotel and I paid 100% and all opinions are my own WANT TO WORK WITH ME? BOOK YOUR FREE CONSULTATION TODAY!

FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR OWN COMPANY HELEN DERBYSHIRE - 4 MINUTE READ Do you ever look at those people who sit alone in a bar, restaurant or cafe and wonder, why are you on your own? Isn’t that boring? Maybe you’re someone who struggles even at the thought of being alone, perhaps you make a conscious effort to always be doing something in your spare time, which most of us do of course, but are you doing it because you want to or because you don’t enjoy your own company? You might feel bored when you’re alone and struggle to comprehend why people would optionally do this! Now don’t get me wrong, it can vary between introverts and extroverts. Incase you wasn’t aware, the science of introvert versus extrovert comes down to the dopamine in our system, introverts product high amounts of dopamine and therefore do not need others to raise their dopamine levels, whereas extrovert people have lower levels of dopamine and therefore need social interaction to raise it. However, you can be in a room full of people and still feel alone regardless, you might be extroverted and around the wrong people, being alone might actually be more enjoyable and raise your dopamine levels even more than being surrounded by people whos company you don’t love to be in. So let me help you out with how to fall in love with your own company, You need to know what you enjoy doing to pass the time Right now, when you’re alone you might watch tv, scroll, and not much else so it’s no wonder that that becomes quite boring for you as it's repetitive. So when the decision comes to be alone doing non-stimulating things vs seeing people and interacting, it’s quite easy to go with the latter then assume that your company is the problem, and it isn’t! Establish what your hobbies are, don’t do them because you think others should. For me, I love to read, both fiction and non-fiction, but non fiction really gets my brain going and thinking, so having good fiction books really allows me to switch my brain off and just immerse myself in a story. Perhaps you love reading too but never have the time to do it because you’re always saying yes to plans. Why not read my favourite book blogs for some inspiration for your next read! Try it out, see if that’s your thing, but it might not be! You might love to cook, bake, take long walks with your dog, exercise, try new recipes, take yourself out for brunch, renovating your house, whatever it is, you just need to figure out what that thing is. Think about your hobbies, can you fill your time there, do you have any hobbies you love but you haven’t got much time to do them or you’d like to take them further - can you fill your time with this? Be intentional - watching Netflix isn’t forbidden but be intentional, source your favourite shows, and have them ready to watch, this isn’t me telling you to turn down your plans to watch netflix, but it just allows you to start practicing the art of spending time alone and filling it with enjoyable things Push yourself to spend more time alone, perhaps put yourself in situations you wouldn’t usually like going and sitting in a cafe with a coffee Plan out in your diary once per week where you have some interrupted time to yourself, initially you might find it hard and think “so what do I do now” - so make sure you try to plan a couple of things for that time such as reading / cooking / exercise - whatever it may be. Put it in the diary as a non-negotiable, and over time you’ll learn to realise that your own company is really enjoyable as you get the time and space to do things you enjoy and that make you happy Lastly, time alone can be incredibly for giving yourself the time and space to process your thoughts and emotions. Time alone can be pivotal for your self development journey and I highly recommend it. What happens when we fall in love with our own company is we do not need others to fill that void within us and then we are able to pick and choose how we choose to spend our time and who with. If we are continually surrounded by others, it’s likely that their thoughts become ours and we can start to adopt self-abandonment whereby we dismiss the things we like and feel for what others want to do/think. Reminder: You are not boring / weird / difficult if you spend or want to spend time alone. It is a form of self care, don’t allow others who are dependent on you to take this away from you. WANT TO WORK WITH ME? BOOK YOUR FREE CONSULTATION TODAY!

THE 411 ON SETTING BOUNDARIES HELEN DERBYSHIRE - 4 MINUTE READ People pleasing is one of the most soul sucking activities known to man, ok maybe that’s being dramatic but hear me out. You know when you always say YES to everything and then the time comes when you have to follow through on what you said and you just FILL with dread? Sound familiar? I thought so. This act of pleasing people is so draining, but fear not, I’m going to help you navigate through it. There are so many variations to people pleasing, it can look like the above example where you say yes to every single invite, even if you really wanted to say no, it can look like answering every call or responding to messages quickly, it can look like taking on more work than you have capacity for in fear of disappointing someone at work or a client, it can look like being a version of you that is not authentic to please other people (That’s the one I used to struggle with!) Infact, I struggled with a variation of all of the above, so just know I’m speaking from experience here. You know what the hardest part is? When you are an empathetic person, you genuinely want to do things for others, help them, you empathise with others so much that you think about the other person's wants and needs before your own but empathy without boundaries is the worst combination. Because what happens is you keep pouring into their cup, and unfortunately people take take take and it’s only when you realise how empty your cup is that you realise you did way too much for someone/something else but now you’ve almost set the standard within that dynamic so you have to navigate through clawing back from that and implementing boundaries at this new higher standard. You might be thinking yes that’s me, I know it is, help me how to STOP! Ok so here’s the 411 on setting boundaries and protecting your peace. Never apologise for setting a boundary - Saying “Sorry I can’t” isn’t setting a boundary it’s apologising for not being ABLE to fulfil someone else's want or need (boundaries are about choice not ability) Using assertive but not rude vocabulary - sometimes, when somebody asks / expects you to do something it might evoke frustration / anger / resentment from you which can verbally come out in a rude or passive aggressive tone, which isn’t setting the boundary either. You have to prime people so they know how to approach you - unfortunately, we can’t just assume or expect that people won’t ask us to do something or invite us somewhere (whatever the situation looks like). You have to prep them, you might even have to start by testing out smaller, easier to manage boundaries. Setting a boundary is not wrong / rude / unfair - it is a form of self respect, and each time you keep people pleasing. It is absolutely FINE to do things for people, that’s not what this is, boundaries aren’t there for you to never do something for someone ever again. It’s about protecting your peace / time and space from the things you don’t want to do / the things that cause you stress or upset / the things that take time away from the things you’d love to be doing etc. Boundaries build confidence - each time you set and uphold a new boundary you’ll develop confidence in your life that you know how to trust yourself and communicate effectively Once you’re effectively boundary setting - you’ll have so much more free time and mental capacity for the things that matter. Over time you’ll do it as a second nature And over more time, people will just stop expecting those things from you, they will know that they can’t contact you at ridiculous times of the day, or ask you to reach an unrealistic deadline, or keep inviting you to the club because they know that's not your thing, they won’t blow up your phone with message after message demanding your attention because they know they don’t get that same energy back. And to round this blog off I’m going to give you a few examples of how to set boundaries in a variety of situations; Situation: Somebody keeps inviting you to events/nights out/places that you do not enjoy, maybe that’s the club, maybe that’s an all day drinking event and you want to stop engaging in this kind of behaviour/activities. Response: “Thank you for inviting me, on this occasion I won’t be attending / coming along, I just feel like that’s not my thing right now and I’m really enjoying catching up with friends over coffee - let me know when you are free for a coffee” (this way you are proposing an alternative that resonates with you) 2. Situation: Someone from work keeps emailing/calling/texting you out of hours and maybe even asks / follows up why you haven’t responded Response: (Respond within your working hours) “Hi __ thank you for your email, I did receive it however I respond to all work emails between the hours of _ and _ so I will ensure to prioritise and respond in a timely manner to any urgent emails within those hours”. 3. Situation: Somebody is asking you quite personal questions Response: “That’s an unusual question, I’m interested in why you’d like to know this?” 4. Situation: Your friend is BLOWING up your phone, constantly messaging, all day every day, brings a lot of drama or issues and expects you to respond (you usually do in that quick back to back manner) but it’s really quite draining and you also don’t have the time for it, or maybe they call you a lot / keep you on the phone for a long time. Response: (I would wait a few hours and reply when YOU have the time - put your phone on do-not-disturb to avoid receiving the notifications) and then reply with this “Hi __ I’ve been really busy so I am seeing all of your messages now, I will respond when I have more time later / this week” (this way, you are priming the friend that they’re not going to be getting instant responses from you). If you’re ready to stop that relationship/friendship especially if you feel it’s one-sided and you’re always stepping in supporting them with their problems you can also say “Hi __ I understand you’re dealing with a lot right now and really need that support from a friend but at this point in my life with everything I have going on I’m not going to be available to always respond to emails and calls in a way that I feel you need right now”. 5. Situation: A client asks you to take on another project/task that you do not have capacity for, taking it on means you’d have to work more, spend less time with your partner/kids/friends/yourself doing the things you love or enjoy or even the things that help you destress from your work life. (There are instances when you have to sometimes take on more work so just know when it’s that season of your life) Response: Thank you for considering me for this project, however I am at maximum capacity right now and wouldn’t be able to meet the intended deadline If perhaps you can take it on in the future you can add (however I will have more capacity in X time) Let me know if you loved this blog by sharing it either on social media or with someone else you think would benefit from reading this! WANT TO WORK WITH ME? BOOK YOUR FREE CONSULTATION TODAY!